Change

Change is hard. Change can be good or bad. Change sucks. Change is hard. That's my thoughts on change. In saying that, i have to change. I have to change how i am or i wont' fare well in the future.

I'm overweight. Quite a bit overweight. Have been for some years now. 20lbs ago, it didn't bother me, but you add on those and it weighs heavily on me. (no puns intended) The more i weigh, the less i want to do anything about it. I see the scale go up, and i get discouraged, more depressed.. I see it go down and i get hope.

I eat too much.. I eat when I'm bored, i eat when I'm not. I eat when I'm sad, i eat when I'm happy. I eat when I'm relaxing i eat when I'm busy. Point is, i eat. Doesn't matter what it is, most of the time, its not even cause it tastes good. Its there. Food can be a buddy. Food doesn't judge you, food doesn't tell you you're fat. Its just there, waiting to give you nourishment and comfort. Sometimes not either. 2 weeks ago, i started eating less. No exercise yet, so to speak. Nothing that is consistent, nothing that has stuck.

See, I'm afraid. Afraid of failing. Afraid of change. Mostly just afraid i will fail. And i have and do constantly. I think i sabotage myself. Tell myself that it doesn't' matter, but it does. Between the Hashimotos and my heart, it does matter a whole lot. And still I'm afraid and i let that stop me. Its why i stopped writing blogs lately, its why i don't' exercise. I say I'm just lazy, but its more than that. When i write, its part of me. Something inside of me that i release. I love to write and i miss it so terribly much. So why don't i? Fear. Apparently, i have a lot of fear.

I hate to be alone. And no I'm not "alone" in the physical sense. My kids are here, but its not the same. You can't really talk to a toddler or an infant and get back what you need from your spouse. And you can't really expect your friends to give you that kind of support and love that your husband can. And even though i know I'm loved and i know I'm missed, its still hard. I'm afraid of telling my husband that I'm even doing a weight loss challenge, much less two of them, i don't' want to fail in his eyes. I don't' want to seem weak. (yes, i know my thoughts are all over the place, i flip when i can't go on about a subject for a bit) I don't' want to disappoint the man who left me in charge of everything. He had no choice in the matter, when the army says go, you go. And i know he'll be home "soon" everyone has a different definition of that word.

Back to change. Life throws you curve balls. And i believe that life is allowed to, so we can learn. I should have learned by now, that doing nothing but eating myself silly isn't' working. And in order to change, you have to want to. Have the desire to. So, i am going to make the change. I wont' always do what i hope to, i will fail a few times, but i cant' let it stand in the way of continuing what i need to do. I need to be healthy, and in order to be healthy, i need to loose the weight and get in shape, for my kids, my husband and myself.