Change

Change is hard. Change can be good or bad. Change sucks. Change is hard. That's my thoughts on change. In saying that, i have to change. I have to change how i am or i wont' fare well in the future.

I'm overweight. Quite a bit overweight. Have been for some years now. 20lbs ago, it didn't bother me, but you add on those and it weighs heavily on me. (no puns intended) The more i weigh, the less i want to do anything about it. I see the scale go up, and i get discouraged, more depressed.. I see it go down and i get hope.

I eat too much.. I eat when I'm bored, i eat when I'm not. I eat when I'm sad, i eat when I'm happy. I eat when I'm relaxing i eat when I'm busy. Point is, i eat. Doesn't matter what it is, most of the time, its not even cause it tastes good. Its there. Food can be a buddy. Food doesn't judge you, food doesn't tell you you're fat. Its just there, waiting to give you nourishment and comfort. Sometimes not either. 2 weeks ago, i started eating less. No exercise yet, so to speak. Nothing that is consistent, nothing that has stuck.

See, I'm afraid. Afraid of failing. Afraid of change. Mostly just afraid i will fail. And i have and do constantly. I think i sabotage myself. Tell myself that it doesn't' matter, but it does. Between the Hashimotos and my heart, it does matter a whole lot. And still I'm afraid and i let that stop me. Its why i stopped writing blogs lately, its why i don't' exercise. I say I'm just lazy, but its more than that. When i write, its part of me. Something inside of me that i release. I love to write and i miss it so terribly much. So why don't i? Fear. Apparently, i have a lot of fear.

I hate to be alone. And no I'm not "alone" in the physical sense. My kids are here, but its not the same. You can't really talk to a toddler or an infant and get back what you need from your spouse. And you can't really expect your friends to give you that kind of support and love that your husband can. And even though i know I'm loved and i know I'm missed, its still hard. I'm afraid of telling my husband that I'm even doing a weight loss challenge, much less two of them, i don't' want to fail in his eyes. I don't' want to seem weak. (yes, i know my thoughts are all over the place, i flip when i can't go on about a subject for a bit) I don't' want to disappoint the man who left me in charge of everything. He had no choice in the matter, when the army says go, you go. And i know he'll be home "soon" everyone has a different definition of that word.

Back to change. Life throws you curve balls. And i believe that life is allowed to, so we can learn. I should have learned by now, that doing nothing but eating myself silly isn't' working. And in order to change, you have to want to. Have the desire to. So, i am going to make the change. I wont' always do what i hope to, i will fail a few times, but i cant' let it stand in the way of continuing what i need to do. I need to be healthy, and in order to be healthy, i need to loose the weight and get in shape, for my kids, my husband and myself.

And More Movies!

No, i dont' go to the movies all the time. I am just taking the time now, since i haven't in a while. My awesomely wonderful hubby got me the greatest mothers day present (besides him being home). He got me some gift cards to the movies! So, that's why i've gone more in the last few weeks than i have in a long time.

Just saw Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. It was done in True Indy fashion. Full of Action Adventure and yes, just a little bit of romance tossed in, just a little bit. :) Well worth the time and money to see on the big screen.

Also saw The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian. Very very good, was well worth the money and the time to watch it on the big screen. More Fighting, new faces.

Hold your Babies (big and small) tight!

I am just sad. I just found out that Steven Curtis Chapman's family just had a horrific accident. Their baby girl was killed in an accident at home. One of her siblings accidentally ran her over in the driveway.

This just breaks my heart for them, and makes me want to go wake up that little toddler of mine (even though she just barely got to sleep) and just hold her tight. No matter how crazy she makes me sometimes, I am so very thankful for her and her brother. They are awesome little kids, different as the day is from the night. They make me smile, they make me laugh, they have also made me cry. But, that is what kids do, and that's what makes them individual little people.

They grow up too fast, way too fast. My little guy is going to be 8 months tomorrow, my little girl is almost 2.5, and my step daughter will be 12 tomorrow. Time is just going WAY too fast.

If you can, please say a prayer for the Chapman Family, they can use all the comfort they can get. Don't' forget to pray for the little people in your life. All kids are someones baby and need to be held sometimes.

More Movies.

I really DO have other things to blog about, just get too busy to do it.

Iron Man - totally awesome movie!! I honestly cant' tell you what made it so cool, it just is. :P Not a cop out, just the truth. Has everything in it you could want. Make sure to stay past all the credits and see the ending. I didn't - :( I hope to find it somewhere i can see it on line, or i just may have to watch it again. Stars Robert Downy Jr and Gwyneth Paltrow.

Disturbia - If you like to be spooked and love suspense, then you will LOVE this movie! It was great!! Shia LeBeouf and David Morse. Even the website is creepy, LOL.

Go to the Movies!! Its a great stress reliever, even if you have kids with you. :D

movies!

PS I Love You. - Really great movie, heart wrenching at times, heart warming at others. Really worth watching with a bag of tissues. link here

Baby Mama - Cute funny movie with suprising parts. Worth seeing. link here

Hashimoto's Thyroiditis

So, i had a test ran a few weeks ago to determine my probability for developing this auto-immune disease. It came back positive.. very positive.

I was really disappointed about it, as i was hoping this would skip me. Why? who knows. I'm no more important than anyone else, no more special. Just really didn't' want to get this. Most of the females on my moms' side of the family have it, including her.

So, what does this mean for me in the future? not much really, just have to keep a closer eye on my thyroid levels and watch for changes in everything, as your thyroid controls a lot of things that go on in your body. When things start to change, make sure that i get on meds as soon as possible.

I need to get my weight down, so i don't' have to worry about the weight and my heart. Not that it wasn't a concern before, but more so now. I know i need to, i just have a hard time wanting to do something about it. Feel like I've hit a new low.

But i have two kids who need their mom and that's gotta be a good motivator. I also plan on getting my hormone levels (all hormones) tested, maybe that's what's really going on with my moods and such.

Bottom line, not a death sentence, but something to be concerned over.